My Toxic Relationship with Social Media

Back in June, I decided I’d go off Instagram. It was simply wasting too much of my time and I found myself feeling angry that I wasn’t already who I wish I was. I’d compare myself to other women doing what I wanted to be doing with my life and feeling resentment, shame, guilt, depressed, envious, the list could go on.

Back when I was in highschool, when social media was just taking flight, I don’t think it really affected me that much because I was already just doing my thing in life, playing sports, hanging with friends, getting good grades. It wasn’t till after highschool, when everyone went their own way and social media seemed to be this graveyard of kids I used to know and now had no idea who they were, when things started to change for me (and to be fair, so did the platforms).

The goal of social media shifted from fun, online digital world to share your thoughts or pictures of your day to being somehow being somebody better than you were, cooler, richer, healthier, more fun and started to boost the people that were figuring out ways to monetize their personal branding.

For a few years I really struggled with it. It was this love hate relationship kept me coming back. Like an ex boyfriend you know you should cut off, but when you’re together, the high washes all the lows. And social media does this intentionally, we know this. The hit of dopamine keeps us scrolling, watching, absorbing content, and then somehow a whole hour has gone by, and all the things you wanted to get done tonight have now been pushed to tomorrow since it’s bedtime.

I remember days when it would get so bad that I’d just utterly hate my life and want to run away. Until I did. I traveled. And it was fucking amazing. Traveling was the best thing ever for my soul and still to this day, I believe it’s the most freeing thing in the world to do. But when I came back from my travels and was working as a cleaning lady for my friends business, oh how I’d kicked myself in the behind for not recording my journey. For not figuring out how to do social media. For not documenting. For not monetizing my experience so I could have more of it.

And it was until this year, 2024, being 26 that I ACTUALLY did the thing I’ve been saying I wanted to do for years - start my own Yoga YouTube channel. Of course I can’t help but think: “did I miss the Covid boat when everyone’s channel blew tf up?”. “Am I too late?” But despite all that, I know I started this YouTube channel not to focus on the results of how many followers I get, or how much money I can make, but really I started it to document my own growth - as a yogi, a teacher, a human.

Since starting YouTube, this has been the thing that keeps me creating video after video, certainly not the 132 views on a video, ha! But I’m actually following in love with the process of what it means to be a YouTuber. I love thinking of creative ideas I can turn in to reality - like my merch line; I’ve had designs for years that I’ve been wanting to bring alive, and the best step on any journey is the first.

I find so much enjoyment in thinking about entrepreneurial routes I can take with the channel, or thinking about video ideas, or coming up with shorts content, looking out into the natural world to try and find a good recording spot. I love all of this. And although there’s some sacrifices, for the most part, my YouTube channel has changed my relationship with ALL my social media.

I finally went on my Instagram today and posted - 10/10/2024 - after 3 months off and, I used to feel fear and anxiety about posting, concerning myself with who would like and not like, who would comment, how many likes I’d get, and just all the results. But this time, when I went on there, I didn’t care about that. I just took the comments for what they were, happy to connect with the ones that commented, and left it at that. It was this monumental thing where I felt I deserved more notice, or where I left the app feeling sad I didn’t get more engagement, or all this dumb emotional shit that I used to tie myself to when I’d go on and then exit the app, feeling disappointed by my results. YouTube has changed my perspective to realize

It’s not about the results,

It’s about falling in love with the process.

And the same goes for anything else we try in our life. If we’re overly concerned with the results and not enjoying the process, we’ll always fall short. We’ll be tied only to things outside of our control and not relish in the journey. And that’s where the real magic happens, in the process, over long periods of time, in the comittment to the vision, in the love of doing instead of need for results, in the believing without yet seeing.

So, after about 8 years, I’m finally starting to feel more level with using social media and am happy now to make it a part of my life so I can achieve my dreams of traveling, teaching yoga, writing, and speaking other languages.

Namaste,

~Sam