Lack of Acceptance

We go through life creating this sort of character on who we are to be and how we’re supposed to show up for others in the world, but what part of that person within us is always true and honest? What part of that character is truly us?

Something that I have a hard time accepting about myself is that I’m not currently vegetarian or vegan. As a yogi, this is a pretty big point of contention since the first ‘commandment’ or Sutra in Yoga is Ahimsa - Nonviolence, which is typically framed as the reason why a yogi should not eat meat; for the ethical purpose of not causing harm or suffering to other living beings. This really gets to me sometimes and makes me feel like I’m a ‘fake yogi’, or not even a ‘yogi’ at all - imposter syndrome.

This lack of acceptance for who I am currently as a carnivore has caused me some cognitive dissonance over the years. It isn’t until now that I’m able to become aware of these thoughts entering my mind and work to deal with them. In this article, I’d like to go over how we can work to become aware of this lack of acceptance, how it affects us mentally, and what we can do about it. Let’s dive in. 

HOW TO NOTICE IT

Lack of acceptance can show up in many different ways. The biggest way we can notice that we aren’t accepting a side of ourselves in which we don’t think others would approve of is by asking ourselves: Do I like this about myself? 

Examples:

Do I like that I’m not vegetarian? No, but I have my reasons for why I’m not a vegetarian at this point in my life right now. 

Do I like that I’m not good at having hard conversations? No, but this is where I’m at right now and I’m working to improve this about myself. 

Do I like that I don’t live within walking distance to the ocean? No, but I’m currently working on creating a life to be able to one day live near it with the ones I love. If it does not happen now, that doesn't mean it won't happen never. ‘Now or Never’ is not a great phrase to live by (this is me speaking from experience of living by this mantra, ha!). 

By asking ourselves this question about this specific area, we create space for an honest conversation to take place within ourselves and leave room for open answers. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but by making this a common practice in our lives, we can work toward improving our self-awareness and teach ourselves how to love ALL parts of who we are instead of playing tricks on ourselves and not loving who we wish we were - illusion. 

I will say, the goal isn’t to always answer yes, the goal is to simply become aware of this area about us so you can decide whether we want to 1. Accept or 2. Change this aspect about our Self. For me, I might not like these things about myself yet, but I can work to understand more about why I choose to live my life this way (non-vegetarian) and either accept those decisions or work to get better at these areas where I feel I can improve (learning to have hard conversations). It all depends on what the area is and if you have good reasoning behind whether to choose 1 or 2. 

Note: If the answer is yes to the question of ‘Do I like this about myself?”, then amazing! This is not a lack of acceptance, this is acceptance! And this is something that you do in fact like about yourself, therefore you don’t need to run through this self-discovery process.

HOW IT AFFECTS US

First hand, I know that lack of acceptance creates a divide between you being your true self and you being this false image. With the vegetarian example, I found that when I did go vegetarian, I was actually a real douche. I found that I was judging others WAY more and this act of ‘nonviolence’  actually turned me into a quite violent person. The reason I stepped away from being vegetarian after a year was (well there were multiple reasons, but a main one was) because I couldn’t stop the flood of thoughts of judging others for eating meat because I had deemed it such a violent act in my head and/or because I was probably wishing I could eat meat without hating myself as well.

Now, it’s not always so easy to see, especially if the awareness of thought hasn’t yet developed like this but another way that lack of acceptance can show up for us is through emotional outbursts. 

When we lack acceptance of a part of our Self that we hope others don’t see, we teach ourselves to suppress this part of us. We learn to stuff those fears of people finding out by indulging in silence, secretly hating ourselves, or imagining a better life. And this is what it means to know that happiness isn’t something you find, it’s something you cultivate. 

Happiness is something you learn to water and nurture within yourself so that you don’t have to imagine a life that would be better if… [fill in the blank]. Happiness will come when you focus on its cultivation rather than its current presence so you can actually learn to accept the life, things, people, you do have and truly love all of it. Sometimes the ‘present moment’ won’t be happy, but that doesn’t mean you don’t live a great life in general. 

Happiness is cultivation, not culmination. 

WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT

Meditate - You don’t have to sit in a cross-legged seated position to meditate on where you lack acceptance of yourself. This type of meditation can come when you’re cooking, driving in the car, passively listening to music, or yes, sitting in a cross-legged seated position. Meditation is not to be confused with a physical posture. Humans meditate to be able to achieve a state of meditation whilst performing actions in life, like washing the dishes (which has been made a famous meditative action). We meditate not to separate ourselves from existence, but to become of it. Through meditation, you can begin to call out the parts of yourself that lack acceptance for your true you and work to diagnose where these feelings stem from, whether it be the identity you want to portray, the life you say you live, or the lack of trust you have in yourself as an individual. Meditation can be the catalyst that urges you to love yourself more by helping you learn why you lack self-acceptance in the first place.

Practice Kindness & Compassion - Throughout this newsletter I’m going to touch on compassion a lot. I used to think it was just another fluff word spiritual-people would use in their dialogue to sound more peaceful, but after many years of practicing Yoga and studying Buddhism, it’s honestly just the reality of life: We need to practice more compassion with ourselves and others on the deepest level. This looks like: Knowing our struggles and imbalances and taking action to ensure we’re keeping ourselves out of the rut of depression and anxiety by continuing to pursue our passions like practicing yoga, baking scones, riding our bikes, or doing whatever brings you true joy. To others, compassion looks like: not judging people internally or externally, giving people a hand even if you don’t think they deserve it, or asking others how you can help them, to name a few. 

Commit to Growth - Calling back to the ‘How we notice it’ section, if the answer is ‘no, I don’t like this about myself’, is it because you don’t think it fits the mold of how others see you or is it because you don’t feel this part of you represents how you see yourself? This is where the commitment to growth can happen on whether you decide to 1. Accept this about yourself for yourself or 2. Change this about yourself so you’re living in accordance with who your true self is. You never know, you might be called to change or you might forever be happy staying the same and learning to accept it in this regard. Whichever way your path leads you, it’s important to keep working on the growth of your self-awareness as an individual. Noting lack of acceptance is the first step to loving this side of yourself and becoming the most true and authentic version of you.

And you, is perfect as is.